“What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger…”

Over the years, I have come to loath this saying.  When I was 12 years old, my mother was diagnosed with cancer.  Since then, there hasn’t been a day that has gone by that I haven’t had to face up to this fact.  I’ve lost count of how often someone has told me “what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger,” and I’ve always wanted to hit them for it.  While I still have trouble applying this to my mom’s situation, I find it kind of funny how aptly it describes my own life.  Again, what’s with the irony??

My spinal surgery was awful and the recovery has been anything but easy.  Yet, it didn’t kill me and I am finding that I am stronger in spite of it.  This surgery gave me the gift of time, which in turn gave me the gift of introspective thought.  In the age of email, smart phone and Internet, it’s rare that any of us sit down and think about ourselves anymore.   And it’s sad that it takes a personal tragedy or a major injury to force us to do it.

Something that I have discovered is that sometimes the biggest obstacle to achieving personal happiness isn’t finding what makes us happy, but finding the time in our busy lives to get there.  When I first came to the conclusion that I needed to find myself again, I thought the hardest part of the journey would be finding what was missing.  Funny…turns out that was the easiest part!  Coming to the realization that I had let something that was so important to me take a backseat to the daily stresses of life for so long was a big breakthrough.  It was great that I let my mind clear long enough to find that missing piece again.  But, that is only part of the journey.  Now that I’ve found it, I have to do something with it. 

Perhaps it’s a sign of the times (or perhaps I’m just listening more closely) but recently, I’ve heard a lot of people use the phrase “I wish….”  I’ve always equated wishing with dreaming.  After all, wasn’t it Cinderella who said “a dream is a wish your heart makes”?  And, I’ve always believed it is vitally important to have dreams, for it is in the dream that we find the motivation we need to reach higher and higher.  But, it seems like so many of us (myself included) spend so much time wishing things that we forget to act upon them!

And this is where I find myself currently.  I’ve taken the big step of admitting that I need to find my personal happiness again and I was lucky that I found what it was so quickly.  But, I haven’t done anything with this self-knowledge. Why you ask?  Because I’m back working again after surgery.  I’ve fallen into the same old habits. By the time I finish with work, battle stress, run errands and mark off my “to-do” list, I have no energy left to pursue my passion. And that, my friends, is just plain stupid! 

Life is about priorities and the next logical step in this whole process is to make my passion a priority.  But, life is also about responsibility and unfortunately, I can’t avoid it.  I do have to make a living, after all.  In a seemingly endless battle, priorities and responsibilities seem constantly at odds with one another.   But, life is too short to let one rule over the other.  Life is about finding that balance between priorities and responsibilities – I believe that it is in this balance that we find our personal happiness.  Some days the scale will tip one way or the other, but as long as there is a balance overall, than the opportunity is there for us to achieve our personal happiness – whatever that may be.

So the next stop in this journey isn't my acting classes as I had previously indicated.  It's finding that balance in my life that will allow me the freedom and opportunity to take those acting classes, immerse myself in the performing arts again and find my personal happiness.

Off to find balance in my life…

Emily